Paying for it, but so worth it!

I made it to meet my friend - not only was it a very long day, but it also involved walking and stairs...

Millie

My optimism (reading this blog I probably don't sound optimistic, but IRL I generally am) was at an all time high. I guess my faith in LDN and Nature-Throid and vitamin C et al. was also up there. I really didn't think that this trip would leave me in such a state. When I got back, I felt exhausted and ready for bed, but the next day... wow! I woke up and I couldn't move. I lay there feeling my bones and muscles in such pain, and I eventually managed a hobble. The worst part has been the exhaustion/fatigue - on a scale of 1-10, I have been 9 or maybe even 9.5. Basically just shy of: I can't wash myself/go to the toilet.

In fact, I should really create a wash-o-meter for measuring how well I am. Some people get depressed and slow down their personal hygiene attention. I get less able AKA sicker and I reduce my shower frequency. Not good...

So, I am adjusting to this 'level' and reminding myself that it too shall pass... It has to right?

The good part about the whole thing is that my friend is so much more like me than my college friends; it was a massive relief to spend time with her again. In her presence, I felt validated and less alone. I felt that I was not so isolated and that it is okay to be different and to have priorities and a lifestyle that differs from the rest of society (regardless of whether it is due to being sick or not). There is/was comfort in the solidarity of sick-buddies. I think the main thing I really appreciated was that I did not feel judged, or at risk of being judged. For me this is a big thing, because for so much of the time since I became sick as a child, I have found myself being examined and criticised and judged by friends, family and society in general. As I have gotten older, I have learnt to cope with it better and I have recognised it is a major trigger for my anxiety. To be able to be around even just one person who is not judging you and you know that, is one of the best feelings in the world.

As a result, I have come to the conclusion, once again, that sometimes the benefit outweighs the physical cost. For me, the mental benefits of being around someone more like me are immense, and as I have been struggling lately
 to cope with my forced-upon-me circumstances, I just feel that even feeling so much worse, was worth it.