Argh! How long...

... does this go on for? I am still suffering with sinusitis and recovering from the flu. Admittedly sinus issues, allergies affecting my sinuses and Trigeminal Neuralgia are chronic issues that I deal with for vast portions of the year, but... but...but this knocked me because it followed the bad flu... it feels like when you can't catch a break. I was merrily floating forwards in a chronic sickness forward way (as in: this is all subject to change at a moment's notice), or so I thought, and then this stopped me in my tracks. To be fair, I am feeling A LOT better than I was, but I still have the sinusitis making me feel yucky and it's so draining on the system trying to fight the infection.

So anyway, in good news, I am still at 3mg of LDN and I do feel that it is doing something. Underneath all the recent viral infection, I can feel a sense of a stronger baseline. I feel that at least I have stayed static for sometime, whereas pre-LDN I seemed to be progressively getting worse, which had started to scare me. There is hope there. I remind myself I am not even near the full dose yet, and so there is continued room for improvement. If a full dose of LDN enabled me to have even 10% more functioning than I do now, it would be amazing and I would be very grateful.

Lastly, I had to post this...

From http://quixoticmeblog.blogspot.co.uk/

 

I found it brought a smile to my face (perhaps that should be an ironic smile) and gave me a giggle. As the years go by, dealing with the skepticism and the less than helpful reactions becomes more normal and less unexpected. I feel that, as sad as it is that the M.E. community has to deal with these reactions, the impact they have on someone like me becomes lesser with time. I no longer need validation, and that enables me to be able to laugh at the absurdity of the situation and to own it instead of being governed by it.

Officially.... TIRED

Urgh!

I am so TIRED. I have been so tired that my eyelids are actually drooping and closing of their own accord.

I believe that perhaps a little natural drowsiness from my body's response to the LDN is being compounded by the sleep issues. Last night I was unable to get to sleep until maybe 2.30-3.00 a.m. and I awoke at 7 to take Nature-Throid, then went back to sleep and was awoken properly at 9.10 a.m.

The night before was DELICIOUS... because I slept so well for a nice 6 hour chunk. I really hope that with time I will be getting more chunky sleep nights and less insomnia/fitful ones.

In good news, I still feel way better in the mental health area...

I feel LESS ANXIOUS! Yay! This is pretty amazing, as since AI thyroid issues, I have really struggled with bouts of anxiety that seem to be linked to some kind of cortisol/adrenaline misfiring. I also still feel less apathetic and yesterday/today I actually experienced:

JOY and OPTIMISM...

I was reading the Quarter Life Crisis forum yesterday, and instead of it triggering me, I felt quite calm. I felt there was some hope for me and my life.

Improvements!

Good news...

I managed to go from Thursday to Saturday inclusive without a headache or a bout of nausea. Even better, I felt improvements on both Friday and Saturday. It is SO hard to quantify, but the two things that leapt out at me were:

• Apathy receeding
• Brain-fog clearing

Those of you with autoimmune thyroid disease will know that the hypothyroid element - Hashimoto's disease - can give you a sense of apathy like no other ever experienced before. I honestly have never been an apathetic person, even when I felt at my lowest over the years with M.E., I still had a lust for life and a sense of desire. Autoimmune thyroid disease took all that away and not in a depressive sense, as I often was not depressed at all, but I just felt totally apathetic... exhausted without a sense of care or desire. When you know this is NOT your 'self', it is very upsetting to feel that way. I have always been a happy go lucky type of person who would talk to anyone, help anyone and try things with a sense of adventure, but over the years of chronic health problems, this has gradually been eroded. When my thyroid nosedived, it was like a final nail in the coffin.

Since taking LDN, my sense of desire has started to awaken. I can feel myself having a tiny glimmer of hope. A tiny sense that maybe this is not as good as it gets, and maybe there is a chance I can do something with my life that is more than what I currently do. The feeling is not massive, but it's there and it seems strong enough that even when I am crashing or experiencing side effects, it's not overruled by the awfulness I am subjected to.

As for the brain fog - another bane of my life. I have lived with this for over 20 years, and battled against it to get my education and to have meaningful relationships with people. I could definitely do without it. I am aware of a new sense of clarity. I am not saying I will be cracking out the algebra tomorrow, but I noticed in my class on Wednesday that for the time of day, I felt far more alert than normal and I had not even had a coffee. I just felt that things in my brain - yes very technical description. - were connecting better than before. So I was not observing everyone else as if from behind a misty pane of glass with ear muffs on.

Energy-wise, I have more energy. However, the energy comes with a warning... While I might have the spark of energy to do something, it does not necessarily mean I should or that I have enough to finish whatever it is I chose to do without depleting myself/crashing. In short, feeling I have the energy is quite different to actually having the energy and not paying for it later with a PEM (post exertional malaise). So what has happened is that I have done the typical thing of:

Oh I feel a bit better... Let's rush out and do x, y, z that needs doing...
Wham, bam, thank you ma'am... CRASH.

I feel as if I have been doing - active/crash, or active/active/crash. Obviously, this has to stop. I need to go back to M.E. 101 and start pacing. So what if I feel a bit better? I should really do what I would normally do without making myself worse - my baseline - and then use the extra energy time to force myself to rest and potentially heal. I am going to practice that this week. I am in bed as I type this and going to lie down now.