Things Have Been Difficult - The Juggling Game

As I alluded to in my last post, things were beginning to become a little challenging. In typical me (or M.E.) fashion, I started to relapse or crash or whatever you want to call it...I managed about 2 weeks of doing my extra course that required A LOT more effort, travel, carrying things, walking... and then it started...

Photo Taken by Me 

It's so disappointing. No matter how long I have been ill, I have still not managed to shake the disappointment resulting from yet another of my attempts at doing something, and then suffering for it.

I staggered on, missing one class of my language class, then managing one, then missing one and now it's the half-term break from both courses and I am sighing a big sigh of relief and trying to rest and relax and not focus on studying for a little bit. The good news is that while I enjoy my original language class, I actually only have one left after half-term, and for that I am grateful because I definitely would not manage to keep this non-sick friendly pace up any longer than that.

As a result of this whole situation, I did have a moment of self-doubt when I wondered: is LDN even doing anything?

On reflection, I realised that it seems to be working in a way I had not anticipated. Rather than being a miracle cure, which for me it is clearly not (and I didn't expect it to be), it actually seems to be preventing me from having progessive disease symptoms. I hadn't really thought about that before I took it and I hadn't really realised that it had happened. I had assumed LDN would just make me feel a lot better - not cured, but massively improved. In some ways it has made me feel better, although if I am honest it has been less than I had hoped. The biggest thing is that, for a long time before LDN, I was getting progressively worse, which was scary and very unwanted. Now, I am still sick in a big way, but it's sort of stagnant and stable. That is to say, I seem to be hovering in a 'range' of illness, rather than getting better or worse. The relapse fits within this range. It essentially feels the same as how I felt when I started taking LDN and was really struggling to cope with my body's reaction to the drug, so while it is still frustrating and a wee bit scary, it's not worse than before. If I obey the body and actually rest and pull back on activity a lot, I start to feel a bit better again... probably quicker than I did before taking LDN. So maybe it is fair to say my 'bounce back' factor is increased/faster?

I think it is useful to analyse in this way because I am definitely not going to stay on LDN if it is not doing a thing for me. I also think it can be easy to get used to how things are and forget how they were. At the moment, I have decided to order another batch of LDN, to gradually increase from 3.5 to 4.5, and try that for a while before making a decision over whether to continue it long-term.

Anyway, this whole experience coincided with me making a decision about whether to go ahead with hairdressing training in September. I basically had to make a decision within the next couple of months over whether to apply, and I was finding that a really stressful situation to be in. I think my difficulty was a mixture of me knowing that it would be a useful qualification for me to add (especially from an earning perspective) to my education, combined with me knowing how unwell I am, and how difficult I find it to even manage doing a few hours a week of studying... let alone a couple of days of physical activity, plus studying. I actually felt quite scared of the commitment and of signing up for something that I couldn't cope with, but felt compelled to stay on at because I am not a quitter and the financial commitment to such a course is massive and non-refundable. So rather than put myself through this, I have decied to postpone any attempts at achieving this goal, and to concentrate on my business and getting my health better.